Get It Off!
by MadnessJones
Summary: Barricade must deal with the aftermath of Bumblebee's wrath when he can't get graffiti off his doorwings. The other Decepticons try to help but...with friends like these who needs enemies? Oneshot. No pairings.


_Author's Notes: Oh goodness, this fic reminds me of when I wrote "Hot Box"; a fic that was an overly long fart joke. I just felt like doodling, so I wrote something utterly silly this time. I used the character Barricade because **Bumblebee Witwicky** said they really liked the character and would like to see me write for him again. I must admit though that Barricade is a really hard character to write for. Most of what can be covered about him is already tackled by other fanfic writers. This, however, seemed like the perfect fit for him. I hope you guys enjoy this story, and please remember to review and favorite if you like this fic :)_

* * *

 **Get It Off!**

Bumblebee had tracked Barricade to a human city that had been evacuated due to Decepticon activity. He was ready for a fight when he came, but what he wasn't ready for was for Barricade to take his friend Sam hostage.

Barricade clutched a helpless Sam Witwicky in his clawed servo, knowing that the human was the Autobot scout Bumblebee's best friend. As a master tracker for the Decepticons, Barricade had always considered Bumblebee and all in his line of work as rivals. Crushing this organic bug was going to be sweet, but first he felt the need to torment the yellow Autobot.

"Aw, what's the matter, Bee?" Barricade purred mockingly as he dangled a screaming Sam by his shirt collar, "Afraid I'll hurt your pet? Well you're right. I _will_."

Barricade grinned like a shark, showing off his impressively sharp and jagged teeth, and then threw Sam toward a building away from both he and Bumblebee; knowing Bee couldn't get to it in time.

Sam screamed as he flew toward the brick building, and then went through an open window and onto a soft bed! Sam bounced off the bed, landed hard on the tile floor and hurt his arm, but he wasn't a smear on the wall and for that he was grateful. He looked around and saw that he had been thrown into a furniture store. He was in a display model of a grand master bedroom.

Bumblebee, meanwhile, saw Sam careen into the open window but didn't know if his friend was alive or dead. He growled low and turned to Barricade with a burning blue glare. This time that smug police car wasn't getting out of this unscathed.

Bee launched himself at Barricade and throttled the mech! Barricade just laughed evilly at the scout's pain and swiped a claw near his neck cables. Bumblebee dodged just in time, and he punched Barricade hard enough in the helm to knock him out!

Bumblebee powered up his cannon and was prepared to offline the Decepticon once and for all, but in the distance he heard Sam shout "Bee! Hey Bee! I'm okay!"

Bumblebee quickly turned to see Sam running down the street to where he was, and a relieved smile crossed the young Autobot's face plates.

"Sam! I was afraid I'd lost you!" Bumblebee cried out joyfully, "No way am I letting Barricade get away after what he almost did to you!"

"Hey, Bumblebee? There's a saying on earth," Sam told Bee as a mischievous smirk crossed his face plate, "Don't get mad, get even."

"Get even?" Bumblebee repeated in confusion, and Sam nodded encouragingly.

Bumblebee looked at the unconscious tracker, and then he looked at the mech's doorwings where his favorite decals were; an ironic message that read 'To Punish & Enslave'. A brilliant yet awful idea came to Bumblebee, and he took a white spray can and a decal scraper out of his subspace. Sam and Bee smiled impishly at each other as they set to work on _getting even_.

* * *

Barricade awoke still in the middle of the road of the abandoned town with a massive processor-ache. He shook his helm, and moaned as he realized too late his mistake. His helm was throbbing, and his doorwings felt funny. Wait, his doorwings felt funny...

Barricade's optics went wide in near panic. His doorwings had sensors in them that allowed him to hunt down his enemies with greater efficiency than the average Decepticon. Without those, he was just a pointy Jazz!

He looked for a large window to see himself in to make sure his doorwings were undamaged. He couldn't see well out of them, but he finally found a furniture store with large mirrors (and a poorly-made bed for some reason). He reached inside and pulled out a mirror, and when he pointed it at his left doorwing he was flabbergasted.

On his left doorwing were the words 'Love Machine' crudely scribbled in white spray paint, and his decals had been peeled away! He checked his right doorwing, and there was a picture of an earth feline farting clouds and a rainbow!

" _This is an outrage_!" Barricade bellowed loud enough to break the windows of the furniture store, and then he transformed and took off.

Much to Barricade's mortification, in his alt mode he looked like a vandalized police car. Worst of all, on his trunk hood in white spray paint were the words 'Frag The Police'. Okay, when he found Bumblebee, that yellow headache was definitely going to _suffer_!

* * *

Going back to Decepticon HQ had been humiliating. The other Decepticons laughed at him, but Megatron was less than amused. They were planning a large strike on one of the humans' largest cities soon, and Megatron told Barricade in no uncertain terms that they couldn't afford to have any of the Decepticons look stupid.

Starscream volunteered to assist Barricade in removing the offending graffiti for Megatron (the sniveling tailpipe kisser), and Megatron agreed and dismissed them both.

"Okay, so where's the paint thinner?" Starscream asked as he looked around their supply room.

" _Paint thinner_?" Barricade asked in horror, "No! That would destroy my nanites! This is just some spray paint the humans make! How hard could it be for us to remove?"

"No paint thinner, huh?" Starscream asked casually, "Alright then. I'll just have to get creative. Ah, here's something that might help..."

Starscream then picked up a metal drum and opened it, revealing a clear oily substance that didn't register as a known compound on scans.

"What is that?" Barricade asked nervously.

"The humans call it baby oil," Starscream said offhandedly, "This should loosen up the paint so we can scrub it off."

"Humans make fuel out of their own _sparklings_?" Barricade asked incredulously, "Wow, and people think _I'm_ morbid."

"Just hold still!" Starscream ordered as he pushed Barricade against the wall.

Barricade huffed at the rough treatment, but he didn't object as Starscream started pouring the drum of slick oily liquid on his doorwings. In fact, the oil actually felt smooth and made him relax. He'd have to ask how humans made this substance.

His relaxation was cut short, however, when Starscream started grinding a brush with harsh metal bristles on Barricade's unprotected plating! Barricade screamed as the brush screeched across his sensitive doorwings and even snagged on some sensory wires. He clawed at the wall to try to escape, but Starscream had him pinned in place as he continued to violently scrub at the white paint. After a few breems the air commander thankfully stopped, but to both their chagrin there was no change in the graffiti. In fact, the only result was a few scratches on Barricade's natural paint!

"Ow...Anymore _brilliant_ ideas, _commander_?" Barricade groused sarcastically.

"Hm...This might require some outside help," Starscream said thoughtfully.

* * *

After several attempts Barricade was getting extremely annoyed. Starscream had tried using warm energon to remove the paint; which only resulted in burning his circuitry. Ravage tried clawing at the paint, which only left more scratches. Scavenger tried using peanut butter followed by soap and water to remove the offending graffiti, which didn't hurt but also didn't work.

"Maybe Laserbeak will know what to do," Starscream pondered.

"What do I have to lose?" Barricade asked in a defeated tone.

Laserbeak's suggestion turned out to be the worst one of all. He suggested simply setting Barricade's doorwings on fire to remove the paint and then allowing his nanites to heal the paint naturally while not bringing back the graffiti. Barricade hated that idea and tried to run away, but Starscream easily held him in place by the scruff bar while Laserbeak got a burning oil rag. Barricade's pedes were still uselessly trying to run while Starscream held him; seemingly unconcerned by Barricade's plight or his desperate attempts to escape.

Laserbeak ran the fire over the doorwings, and Barricade's scream was loud enough to be heard outside the base! Sadly though, it didn't effect the graffiti; just his normal paint.

At this point there was no normal paint left, and only two bare grey doorwings with white graffiti. Barricade sighed when he looked at this pitiful sight in the mirror.

"Hm...maybe if we used hydrochloric acid..." Starscream suggested.

" _No_! No more!" Barricade shouted angrily, "Forget it! I don't care anymore! You know what? I have a suggestion! Just change my designation to Love Machine, and then nobody will question it! Maybe I can adopt a rainbow farting cat to complete the illusion! If I actually _have_ those things then it won't look ridiculous! Just leave me alooooone!"

Barricade then stomped away, and Laserbeak smirked as he called out "Whatever you say, _Love Machine._ "

 **The End**


End file.
